My Own Material
I usually approach singing from defensive standpoint. I am prepared, confident, I’m going to show you what I’ve got, and I will make you love me. There is no relationship, only force. This has, until recently, been unconscious. I have assumed the listener is the enemy and I must fight to prove I am worthy. This approach has served to the point of building up my Ego so it can withstand criticism and rejection, but now it feels dated, uncomfortable, and inauthentic.
At this point in my musical journey, I have acquired the skills to learn my music, and execute it to the best of my ability with a reliable technique. In other words, I know how to sing. What has been missing is the “why do I sing?” When I consciously asked myself that question, I came up short. I’m at a loss for an answer. I thought I knew at one point; “I want to be on stage!” Now that answer doesn't feel like it’s enough. I’m invited to take a step back and ask my Soul, “Why do you want to sing?” There is no quick, lightning bolt revelation, but a slow growing awareness, an inner listening. I know that singing is an expression of the Soul, just by having this conscious thought I get this image of a dancer’s arms opening out to the sides. That which was deep within is moving outward. I’m aware of a lifting sensation in my head, an “Ah-ha” moment. I want to know more, so I ask, “What do you want to express?” More waiting and tuning in. I might have a past memory pop into my head, which leads me to contemplate why that emerged, which sometimes leads to a phrase from a song I knew a long time ago.
The Soul wants to express what we are going through right now. This came in strong for me a year ago when the song “If He Walked into My Life Today”, from the musical Mame, kept playing in my head. The song speaks of a mother who is questioning all the decisions she made while her son was growing up, for now he has completely rejected her and everything she taught him. As a mother of a five-year-old boy, at the time, I felt I was living this story every day. One line that always evokes a strong emotion in me is “At the moment when he needed me, did I ever turn away?” My Soul yearned to outwardly express these questions. I followed Her lead, and worked on the song for several months, fine tuning the technical and emotional challenges. It felt rewarding to work on a piece that wanted to be sung. However, more was needed. I had to present this to others.
When I worked on it with my vocal coach, I fell back on a lot of the old “singer patterns”, relying heavily on technique with a thin front layer of character. The result was decent, but it didn’t go deep enough. My coach encouraged me to lean into the expression, as if I were speaking instead of singing. Something within me said, “You know what to do, so do it.” I let Soul sing, I put technique worries on the back burner and leaned into the text. It was a completely different experience for both my coach and me. There was more collaboration and connection. I felt more freedom in my singing. Afterward my coach confirmed what I felt inside. She gave me permission to do what I already knew how to do. A few months later I had the privilege of singing this song on an audition for the opera chorus. I was so pleased the panel picked this as my second offering. I tried my best to let Soul do the singing and was rewarded with a feeling that “I expressed exactly what I wanted to express.” My singing was fine, I knew it wasn’t my optimum best; pushing here and there, singing through a cold that left my ears very clogged, but those factors didn’t matter as much. It was one of the few auditions where I walked away feeling satisfied with what I produced. Later, the company offered me a position in the chorus for the upcoming season. Double pay off! More importantly, I listened to and fulfilled my Soul’s desires.